When I was a child, over and over I heard the expression
about sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you.
Even as a nine year old who needed to believe that to get through childhood
teasing, I knew it was a lie. A big fat lie that we need and want to be true
but isn’t for so many reasons. While physical blows may hurt and leave a mark,
the scars that words leave behind are just as painful and can last a lifetime.
Words hurt. And I’m not just talking about name calling.
People choose words to hurt others, to cut deep into the heart. During an
argument, someone will lash out, usually from their own hurt, with whatever they
have gathered as ammunition. What ever they know will hurt the most. If you are
lucky, you get to apologize for them later. Take them back when the anger has
cooled. But no matter how convincing the apology, they have left behind scars.
Scars hidden from view, but scars that are a constant reminder that this person
can hurt you, that their words have the power to make you feel pain. Time heals
most scars, but when the hurtful words come fast and furious, the scars deepen
and you retreat for self-preservation. Words have the power to destroy trust,
love, relationships.
Words lie. They manipulate. They promise. People make
promises with good intentions. I once promised “Till Death do we part.” I’ve
said, “I love you” to people I no longer love. Are they broken promises or
lies? Did I lie when I promised to love forever? At the time, every piece of me
believed that it was true. But are they lies now? What’s the difference between
a broken promise and a lie? Is it intention? Perspective? Maybe it’s a little
bit of both. But my broken promises have hurt others as the broken promises of
others have scared me. I can’t erase them. I can only be sorry that they were
said or that I broke them or that I believed someone else’s promises. With
words that lie, comes the power to manipulate. We can rationalize, justify,
convince. We can use one detail among hundreds to convince ourselves and others
that we are correct. We can lie to ourselves by choosing to ignore some words
and focus on others. We can win an argument. Lose an argument. It doesn’t
matter. Words will make all of us losers.
Words humor us. They make us laugh. They release tension.
But for every joke, the words hide a truth. They cleverly disguise what and how
the joke teller feels or thinks. I hate blonde jokes for this reason. I’m well
aware of my own intelligence or lack there of so they don’t insult me, but if
someone continually tells blonde jokes, it lets me know what they think of me or
of their need to belittle me. I’m sure each of us has a joke we find offensive, and when someone tells that joke, we look at them in a new way. I’m guilty of
sarcasm, and I know that I use it to hide behind. To reveal my doubts or my
feelings. But sometimes my sarcasm has hurt others and sometimes it has hurt
myself when my doubts or feelings were confirmed. Words have the power to
reveal our thoughts even when we aren’t intentionally trying to give anything
away.
Words do inspire and encourage. Words aren’t all negative.
They can be uplifting. Whether from a bible verse or quote, words have the
power to make us feel enlightened, uplifted, or just better about ourselves. I
have a few students who after years of hearing my positive encouraging words,
have now turned my own words on me when I forget them. They tell me that I
deserve better or that I got this. And this is how I know the words we choose
come back to us one day. If we are kind, when we need kindness, others will
return it. If we have been cruel, the words we need to hear will not come. The
scars we’ve left have numbed others to our pain and suffering.
Words are our most powerful weapon. As humans, our emotions
drive us. We protect them. We risk them all for love. We numb ourselves to
pain. We choose the words we use, and we choose the words we will listen to
others use against us. In all of this though, we must not forget that we are
humans and mistakes are a given. We must grant forgiveness, sometimes even if
it is only to ourselves. We allow the scars to heal, and we decide who we allow
to hurt us again. For time and our hearts may offer forgiveness, it doesn’t
guarantee forgetting.
Our words are our everyday weapons; we must use them
carefully.
I can help with your "promise vs. lie" dilemma. It's all about your intent when you made the statement. If you promise to love someone forever and you sincerely mean it at the time you utter the words, it would be a broken promise if you later decided you didn't love that person any longer. Things happen over the course of a relationship and one might realize that his partner is not who she advertised herself to be, and that would be a good reason for a broken promise.
ReplyDeleteIf you tell someone you've never cheated on anyone, but, at a time prior to uttering those words, you had actually cheated on a prior husband or boyfriend, then that would be a lie. There is never a good reason to lie. That is a character flaw and something that can't be easily fixed. It's the mark of a coward. A person of true character has the courage to speak the truth and suffer whatever consequences might befall her for speaking it. In the end, though, most people admire courage and will be much more forgiving when a person has done some wrong but admits it.
As for your comment that jokes "cleverly disguise what and how the joke teller feels or thinks"; that's pure paranoia. You are generalizing and condemning every comedian who has ever made fun of other people. How can you even remotely presume to know how another person feels or thinks? Are those your own prejudices coming to light? Having made a comment as such, one can safely assume that you are "cleverly disguising how you feel or think" when you make jokes. The majority of the remaining world population makes jokes because they simply think they are funny. Blondes tell blonde jokes, men tell men jokes, women tell women jokes, etc., etc.; are they disguising what they really feel about themselves? Secure people can laugh at themselves, so being offended by a joke usually denotes a sense of insecurity. Instead of condemning the “joke teller”, work on your self-esteem. You will be better in the end for having done so, and, with a healthy dose of self-esteem, you will find that words will no longer hurt you.
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ReplyDeleteI totally disagree with the above comment. I do not think that being offended by a joke means low self-esteem, complete misnomer there. I think it is all in the tone of the teller of the so-called joke. Some people offend and degrade by using jokes. It shows their lack of depth and honesty in addressing real issues. Both secure and insecure people have the ability to laugh at themselves in the company of trusted friends. Paranoia? That's a bit far-fetched in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteI agree with author that words hurt, especially when spoken in anger or manipulated circumstances. Words are used to build up and they are used to undermine a person's self-esteem. This is normally done by someone who has issues with self-esteem or feels threatened by the other person's high self-esteem. It is how some make themselves feel better. Really sad when you think about it. The time would be better spent working on their own issues. Anyone, regardless of high or low self-esteem can be hurt by words. I know the author personally, and can attest to her high self-esteem, her kindness, her honesty, her loyalty, as well as her lack of prejudice and paranoia.
It can be said that when one uses lies and manipulation to prove themselves right, that it is simply an attempt to convince themselves what they say is true. When they throw around ugly words and phrases in anger, it can be said the truth has been spoken. When one person loves another with all their heart, there are some words that should not be spoken, even in anger. There are some lines that should never be crossed. A loving person knows the line and stays away. They calm their anger. That is what love is.
"Anonymous" seems to be well versed in the lying and manipulation aspect of the author's post. Could it be their MO? Why does someone post anonymous? Perhaps, they do not want their words traced back to them? That might prove to be a good topic for the author to address in a future post.
I am not afraid of my responses being traced back to me. These are my thoughts.
I have a right to opine whenever and wherever I choose. You have a right to disagree with me. You also have a right to state your opinion whenever and wherever you choose (although, in this case, it is clearly biased). However, you do not have the right to defame me. You do not know me, so to make statements such as, “"Anonymous" seems to be well versed in the lying and manipulation aspect of the author's post”, is reckless and defamatory. I suggest you act like an adult and stick to your opinions, rather than resorting to childish antics and name-calling, because doing so reflects poorly on your character and invalidates your opinion.
ReplyDeleteI have stated my opinion and I stand by it. I don’t mind if you agree or disagree with it. Knock yourself out. However, I will not tolerate you saying untrue things about me. I respect discourse, but I despise dishonesty.
Have a good day.
Sometimes there is fear to be found in what others mirror back to us, as humans are unwilling to admit to their own shortcomings. No one is perfect. The author validates this point by writing in general about how words can produce good feelings or bad feelings.
ReplyDeleteHave a good day.