Any change, even a change for the better, is always
accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts. -Arnold Bennett
Yet again, someone told me that I have changed; that I am a
different person now. The negative connotation of this remark turned on my
immediate defenses. Because often times when people tell you that you have
changed, they don’t mean in a good- you’re the best thing since apple pie-
change. I certainly hadn’t changed! I was just simple me. In a discussion later
with a good friend, she reassured me that if I had changed, it was only for the
better. I hadn’t changed who I was as a person certainly.
But then I found myself returning for another performance of
the Vagina Monologues. I very rarely have time to repeat experiences of the
last two years, mostly because there are so many new ones to be had, but on
this rare occasion it did happen. I find the Vagina Monologues fascinating on
so many levels. But more important than its funny and not so funny monologues,
I had a realization. It came during the middle of a performance that
demonstrates the different ways to moan—certainly an interesting place for an
epiphany, and no, it wasn’t anything dirty, -- but it was still something that
hit me all at once and made the world come into sharp focus.
As I sat through the performance, I didn’t become the least
bit embarrassed or uncomfortable as I had two years ago. It was this simple
ease where once awkwardness would have settled that made me realize that I had
changed. Of course, as anyone standing accused, I don’t believe it is for the
negative.
How had I changed and had not realized how much though? I
must say that the last several years have been… interesting, to say the least.
Some of the experiences during this time were chosen, some were not. But each
of these experiences has created who I am by allowing me to learn about myself.
People change for many reasons. Mostly because we allow our
minds to open to the world and experiences around us… some we welcome and some
we wish we hadn’t. But in the end, we are shaped by what we allow ourselves to
be shaped by. Every experience in life affords us the opportunity to learn more
about ourselves as well as the world we live in.
But still, some people enjoy the static nature of their
lives, the comfortableness of familiarity. In a world that is always changing,
who can blame people for wanting something to remain unchanged? It is a choice
though. Experiences in life happen all the time-- to us and around us… not
learning and growing from these experiences is an option—one that I choose not
to take. Does this make it wrong?
The problem comes in when one person changes and the people
in their lives do not. A few years ago I was told that I shouldn’t have
changed. That a relationship would have survived if I hadn’t changed. It is
easy to say that someone has changed when we do no understand why things are
suddenly different. And it is probably true that one person changing in a
relationship and the other person remaining the same will create issues for a
couple. But if life is about change, then it becomes our job to make sure our
experiences and revelations about ourselves are shared with our partner.
I was discussing change recently with another divorced
friend and her insight into the matter was that the problem is that people
don’t want you to change. People want the easiness of knowing that this person
will be exactly what their expectations are. We want to know that a person will
always be late or always be there when we call. We want to know that a certain
friend will never disagree with us. It makes life easier and more predictable when
we categorize.
But what happens when that person isn’t happy? Do we insist
they remain the same because it’s easier for us?
The fact of the matter is life is about change. And if you
aren’t changing, then you aren’t growing. We need to allow others to grow and
learn. If we want relationships to work, then we need to be accepting and
understanding, not expect people to forever stay the same as the day we met them.
