Wednesday, February 20, 2013

People Change... or Do They?



Yet again, someone told me that I have changed; that I am a different person now. The negative connotation of this remark turned on my immediate defenses. Because often times when people tell you that you have changed, they don’t mean in a good- you’re the best thing since apple pie- change. I certainly hadn’t changed! I was just simple me. In a discussion later with a good friend, she reassured me that if I had changed, it was only for the better. I hadn’t changed who I was as a person certainly.

But then I found myself returning for another performance of the Vagina Monologues. I very rarely have time to repeat experiences of the last two years, mostly because there are so many new ones to be had, but on this rare occasion it did happen. I find the Vagina Monologues fascinating on so many levels. But more important than its funny and not so funny monologues, I had a realization. It came during the middle of a performance that demonstrates the different ways to moan—certainly an interesting place for an epiphany, and no, it wasn’t anything dirty, -- but it was still something that hit me all at once and made the world come into sharp focus.

As I sat through the performance, I didn’t become the least bit embarrassed or uncomfortable as I had two years ago. It was this simple ease where once awkwardness would have settled that made me realize that I had changed. Of course, as anyone standing accused, I don’t believe it is for the negative.

How had I changed and had not realized how much though? I must say that the last several years have been… interesting, to say the least. Some of the experiences during this time were chosen, some were not. But each of these experiences has created who I am by allowing me to learn about myself.

People change for many reasons. Mostly because we allow our minds to open to the world and experiences around us… some we welcome and some we wish we hadn’t. But in the end, we are shaped by what we allow ourselves to be shaped by. Every experience in life affords us the opportunity to learn more about ourselves as well as the world we live in.

But still, some people enjoy the static nature of their lives, the comfortableness of familiarity. In a world that is always changing, who can blame people for wanting something to remain unchanged? It is a choice though. Experiences in life happen all the time-- to us and around us… not learning and growing from these experiences is an option—one that I choose not to take. Does this make it wrong?

The problem comes in when one person changes and the people in their lives do not. A few years ago I was told that I shouldn’t have changed. That a relationship would have survived if I hadn’t changed. It is easy to say that someone has changed when we do no understand why things are suddenly different. And it is probably true that one person changing in a relationship and the other person remaining the same will create issues for a couple. But if life is about change, then it becomes our job to make sure our experiences and revelations about ourselves are shared with our partner.

I was discussing change recently with another divorced friend and her insight into the matter was that the problem is that people don’t want you to change. People want the easiness of knowing that this person will be exactly what their expectations are. We want to know that a person will always be late or always be there when we call. We want to know that a certain friend will never disagree with us. It makes life easier and more predictable when we categorize.

But what happens when that person isn’t happy? Do we insist they remain the same because it’s easier for us?

The fact of the matter is life is about change. And if you aren’t changing, then you aren’t growing. We need to allow others to grow and learn. If we want relationships to work, then we need to be accepting and understanding, not expect people to forever stay the same as the day we met them.

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